We got up, got dressed, and set the GPS to Saddleback college. In the fifteen minutes it took to get to the school, the mental, emotional, and physical toll of this road trip washed over me.
I regrettably let Matt and Hannah know I couldn’t summon the energy to walk around a college campus. They seemed to understand. So, Matt and Hannah went without me.
Meanwhile, disappointment, embarrassment and guilt kept me company while I slept in the car. This was quite the disparity between the way I wanted to live and how I was actually showing up in the world. I felt like a flat stanley…just a shell of a person.
I didn’t have the physical energy for how I wanted to live.
After awhile, they returned to the car excited and laughing. Me groggy and trying to be present as they shared their experience.
While I was glad for them, I grieved over what I’d missed. Even though I’d grown accustomed to missing out as a mom over the years due to health issues, the heartbreak always struck with the same intensity.
I don’t remember what we did next, but I can safely assume we had lunch before heading back to our friend’s house where Matt spent the afternoon helping Hannah set up her new bed. The fact that this was his last night in California with us gradually loomed larger and larger over the evening.
No one was looking forward to Matt and Hannah’s goodbye the next day.