Negative self-talk is so subtle the habit slips up on us.
You look in the mirror as you get dressed and wish your body was different. Or you beat yourself up for not doing enough.
We get so used to pressing play on all those negative messages we start to believe them. Before we know it, our confidence is shaken and we feel like a shadow of a person. If you’re ready to come out from behind the shadows, keep reading for tips on how to overcome negative self talk.
How to Stop Negative Self-Talk in Its Track
I had no idea just how bad my negative self talk habit had become until one day when I got fed up with a dead magnolia tree…
The day started like any other, with me watching the wind move through the trees just outside my bedroom window.
This peaceful moment was rudely interrupted when my gaze fell on several dead leaves hanging onto the trunk of a small magnolia tree. They’d been there for awhile. I walked past them every time I checked the mail or walked our dog, Britt.
I didn’t realize it in the moment, but every time I walked past those dead leaves, my spirit sank. For whatever reason, I felt stuck with that magnolia tree. It hadn’t dawned on me that I wasn’t.
Why did I tolerate it for so long? I honestly think it’s because I was too overwhelmed by my withering, dying plants. It was like a giant looming over me, and I just didn’t have the energy to face it. But something in me shifted that morning. I threw on some workout clothes, grabbed my shovel from the garage, and marched through my living room and out the front door.
The ground was hard and dry. The magnolia tree had grown deeper roots than I’d expected, but eventually I pulled that tree out of the ground.
By the time I walked back through my house with the shovel, I felt the freedom and satisfaction of victory.
I couldn’t know just how freeing it was until the next morning when I turned over in my bed to watch the wind blow through the trees. This time there was sunshine and clear, blue skies where the dead magnolia stood the day before. My world felt more open, more expansive.
My tendency in this very vulnerable, open space is to quickly fill it up with something, anything. In this case, flowers. But, something in me felt like I was supposed to wait, to sit in this vacant space and hold it open.
Are you afraid of space? It sounds like a silly question with an obvious answer, but after spending some time sitting in emptiness, I have to admit, I’m scared of space. Of openness.
It’s very uncomfortable and a lot intimidating. We’re filled with questions like,
What does the emptiness represent?
What’s going to fill it up?
When will it fill it up?
Will it fill up by itself, or do I need to do something?”
As I pondered the answers to these things, a spiritual awareness rose within me. I didn’t just pull up a dead tree, I uprooted a part of me that had shriveled from constant negative self-talk. Now it was time to confront it.
Where Does Negative Self Talk Come From?
I grew up believing appearance was everything. That being pretty counted…a lot. So, it’s no wonder that watching my former self give way to motherhood, hypothyroidism, chronic inflammation, and eventually middle age, has been really hard to accept. Looking in the mirror every morning has been like standing before a beauty contestant judge who marks off points because:
- I’m not thin enough.
- My face is too puffy. The extra weight makes me look like a potato head.
- I have loose skin, my eyelids are too droopy, and the dark circles under my eyes make me look worn and haggard.
- My stomach is way too big, and my arms are embarrassingly flabby, so maybe I shouldn’t go sleeveless.
But, the judge was me.
Examples of Negative Self-Talk
From our appearance, to productivity, to our roles and responsibilities, negative-self talk comes in many forms. It often sounds like:
“I’m being so lazy today.”
“I didn’t get anything done.”
“I really shouldn’t be watching t.v. (or any other fun break you might take.)
“I don’t have time for myself.”
“I’m too busy.”
“I could never wear that.”
“I’m not nurturing enough.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m so dumb.”
“I’m such a loser.”
The key is to learn to recognize those sneaky sentiments for what they are and turn them around.
How to Stop Feeling Negatively About Yourself
I was horrified when I realized how cruel I was being to myself. All that negative self-talk day in and day out, and I never even realized it because it’s the only voice I knew. It was like a tape that had been playing so long it became permanent background noise.
But once you start to recognize those negative thoughts, take them captive. Personify the inner critic (chances are she does come from people in your life past or present) and tell her it’s not true. Thank her for her input, and tell her you don’t need it right now.
Treat Yourself with Compassion and Kindness
I felt like I’d been waiting in a never-ending line for acceptance and suddenly realized I’d been holding the stamp of approval the whole time. Once you realize just how destructive that tape of negative self-talk has been, try apologizing to yourself and ask for forgiveness.
It may sound silly or feel awkward, but just imagine you’re talking to a friend in the same situation. What would you tell her? Or, picture yourself as a child. How would you nurture that child?
Overcoming Negative Self Talk
When you do this, you get to claim this territory as holy ground. In other words, you’ll replace negative self-talk with truth and self-love.
One of the easiest ways I’ve found to do this is to build new habits. For me, it started with a simple skin care routine. Just washing my face every day was like sending a little love note to myself. After a while, you start to feel loveable.
You can practice any means of self-love like:
- getting some sun
- enjoying time outdoors
- pursuing hobbies
- setting boundaries
- decluttering and organizing your schedule and spaces
- spending time with friends
- journaling
- moving your body
- changing your mindset around food
- exploring something new
This new territory will feel uncomfortable at first, but it sure is better than beating yourself up all the time. With enough practice, it will eventually become your new normal.
Once note here, you don’t have to overhaul your whole life at once. Start small with one new practice. Build a routine to support that new practice. Once that is well established, add the next new habit.
Wishing you the beauty that comes from overcoming what no longer serves you.
For more encouragement, read:
Suzy Taylor Oakley says
You didn’t have to grow up BELIEVING that being pretty was pretty much everything to have suffered the ill effects it leaves behind. Just having it modeled and preached at you (even in nonverbal ways) can be devastating to your psyche. I’m still working through lies the devil has tried to get me to believe for decades, and I still bicker with the person in my life who continues to obsess over the outward.
It’s a battle that leaves scars, but it can be overcome. Thanks for the reminder that we’re in control of how we talk to ourselves. 🙂
Patty Scott says
Oh, Sharon! I love this. Remember when we did that exercise to see what we liked and what we didn’t and I said I didn’t like this box on my dresser. It clashed with the whole room – gaudy in blue, pink, and gold. A friend gave it as a gift box (with a gift inside it) and I keep letters and precious cards in it. It functions well, and I had grown used to it, as you did your dead tree. This weekend I decided to get out some beautiful scrapbook paper and decoupage the box with muted, dusty red, cream, olive green and tan. I absolutely love it. That project was a reclamation. I was reclaiming myself and my needs in the process. I was stepping into designing my own path instead of obliging myself to what I have been handed. I can’t stop looking at that box now, because, like your unobstructed view, I feel it means so much more. Much love – and here’s to leaving empty spaces open, and to replacing lies with truth!
Mrs. Hines says
I LOVE that you decoupaged your box and are enjoying it. It’s amazing to me how much our surroundings effect us. Well, it isn’t a surprise, but sometimes I think we get so used to the way things are, we forget we can make a change.
Mrs. Hines says
There are just so many voices competing for our minds. It is overwhelming. I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer at the hands of that. Much love to you.