My life behind closed doors wasn’t at all what I’d imagined it could be. My marriage was on very shaky ground. I was fed up with my sedentary, confined lifestyle. And, I no longer knew who I was or what I was supposed to do with my life. Little did I realize I was about to be confronted by an important truth: the condition of our physical world is a mirror reflection of our spiritual condition, showing us the way in our spiritual journey.
On the inside, my soul was bankrupt. And, I found myself in a wrestling match with God that would take me into unexplored depths, leaving me clinging to Him, desperate for His blessing.
“Give me the life I want!” I begged God.
“Why are you holding out on me?” I demanded to know.
When I returned from California, the emptiness and quiet of my newly empty nest challenged my marriage. At first I ignored it, but my soul ached for the kind of marriage I said ‘I do’ to. That longing gave me the courage I needed to talk to Matt. But, after that first conversation, Hurricane Harvey hit Houston, putting my life, and my marriage, on hold.
In the stress of waiting out the storm, I realized I’d been living in a heightened state of anxiety for years. I was completely caught off guard by this realization. Until then, I thought my spiritual journey had brought me to a more peaceful mental state. Four weeks passed by as I sat stuck, unable to resume everyday life, and unable to ignore my newly discovered truth.
Then, one Wednesday morning in September, I woke up completely overwhelmed by all the same feelings I’d experienced six years before, when I couldn’t live life as is for even one more second, and abruptly quit my job.
This time, I wanted to quit my marriage.
Later that night I sat in the Mom’s class I teach, emotionally exhausted, as I told my new friends that between my Dad’s stroke, the whirlwind that was my daughter’s senior year, her emotional graduation party, our drive across the country, leaving my daughter in California, and facing my empty marriage, I felt like I’d spent the last several months being tossed around by big, powerful waves and was spit out onto shore, completely weary and worse for the wear.
I wish I could say the road has been easy since then. That everything is fine. But, as you might expect, this journey has been filled with tears, stress, facades, confrontation, anger, fear, relief, hope, holidays, counseling, fun, progress and slowly but surely, change.
The upheaval I’ve experienced on this spiritual journey is ultimately settling my soul and resurrecting the life I crave from the burial ground of old wounds; a very necessary process in creating a life I love.
As my soul heals, my marriage is improving, I’m a little more physically active, and I am becoming more of who I am created to be.
See you in class,
Julie says
Sharon, thank you for your honesty~ I have experienced the feeling of “spit out onto shore”. I also know the reality of asking God questions from a broken spirit. He does answer, and it’s at that moment of truth that He lovingly propels us onto “higher ground”.
Blessings as you discover your true purpose for being created~
Julie
sandy gardner says
This is the best and most emotionally moving letter I have seen in a long time.
Mrs. Hines says
Oh, Wow! Thank you, Sandy. It wasn’t easy to write, but I believe if my story can help even one person not feel alone, then sharing it was worth it.
Patricia Lyn Bigbie says
I so wish I could find higher ground.
Both my husband and I are physically disabled.
We bought and moved into a beautiful home in July of last year.
But it is definitely not easy to keep beautiful.
I pray daily for the strength to clean different areas of our home. I think we will be hiring someone to help us clean at least twice a month.
Our marriage is not easy.
We have different bedrooms for many reasons. I think this hurts us. But we are best friends, and this keeps us sane!
We are getting by and pray a lot!
THANK YOU for being so open.
How refreshing!
Take care
Pat Bigbie
Mrs. Hines says
Thank YOU for being so open. I’m glad you and your husband are still friends. That certainly helps. I think that is part of why I decided to confront the problems in my own marriage; I didn’t want to lose my friend.
I understand not being physically able to keep up with the cleaning. I went through a long period of time where my health was very preventative in a lot of things, including cleaning. And even though my health is much better, I still struggle to stay on top of the cleaning. So, I hired someone to come once a month and it has been such a blessing…for both me and the person cleaning. (She really needs the money.) I say all that to say, I hope you do hire someone to help you. I think it will take a burden off your shoulders.
And. I believe you’ll find that higher ground. xo
Laura A says
Sharon, I have been in your shoes in many ways. I was also a teacher, not a mom, though. I also quit recently last October. I did not want the school to be the reason for my suffering a stroke or heart attack and that was where it was leading. Having to use my 403B partially to buy back time as God has provided that I will be eligible for my full retirement, once I buy back three years that I took out about 30+ years ago. Mostly though, I am looking to Jesus to find what HE desires for me in this new venture in my life. We also have two parents close by with Alz. that need a little extra “love” once in a while. My prayer each and every day is for our LORD to draw me and my husband closer to HIM and closer to each other. AND little by little, I am reorganizing and getting rid of much clutter from my teaching years and 20+ years of marriage. BUT my priority at this time in my life is ROMANS 12:1 ….to present my body as a living sacrifice, Holy and acceptable, which is my reasonable act of worship. For me this means, getting rid of a “sugar” addiction, a carb addiction, and just getting healthy, so that I can serve HIM better. Being able to be at home more, has been good for my marriage, as I can have dinner on the table, clean after dinner and do all sorts of things that women did in the 50s and 60s. I have faced too much stress and just not being the type of person that handles simple stress too well. It took it’s toll on my body and I am doing Keto/IF with Dr. Eric Berg and loving the protocol. Thank you for your openness and sharing your life. I believe each of us as Christians need to get our voice out there, we aren’t perfect, we are just FORGIVEN, by a TRUE and HOLY GOD.
Mrs. Hines says
Thank you for sharing your story, Laura. Like you said, our stories need voices so we can encourage each other.
april says
Sharon,
Not sure how long ago you wrote this blog entry but I just saw it on FB. I just want to tell you, thank you so much for being vulnerably honest. Since I stared following your blog a few months ago, I have sometimes read your posts & thought to myself, “wow, maybe someday I will have my life so all together like Mrs Hines does. God has been in the process of bringing me totally to the end of myself mentally, emotionally, & physically the past 20+ years but recently I am seeing fruit of His answered prayers in my life, my marriage, & my family. I feel like I am finally at the end of my wilderness & now God is taking me through my Jordan River & into His promised Land He has for me to claim. I pray that you are finding God’s promised Land that He has for you as well. Here is a very encouraging video I watched recently. Hope it brings you encouragement as well sister. God is So good & God is so faithful.
https://lysaterkeurst.com/2018/11/watch-the-release-day-live-event-replay/
Mrs. Hines says
Wow, April! What a wonderful testimony. I am SO glad you shared your story with me. I’m also glad I shared my story and busted the myth that my life is all together. Granted, I do feel like I live a pretty awesome life, but that includes trials and tribulations. I appreciate everything so much more because of those hard times. That blog post is maybe a little over a year old, but the story has continued. Like you, my marriage is finally entering the promised land…or at least I can see the promised land in the distance. So, yes, sister, I’m claiming it! I’ll be sure the watch Lysa’s video. Rejoicing with you!! xo